Onine Dating : Being Effective

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Part of it was written when I was in school and still being affected. The other parts of it were written in the last week or two (in italics). Notice how my perception on this particular development has changed between then and now.

~S

P.S. For those of you wondering why I call it a “he-man” bitch shield.. It’s a joke between my schoolmate Emo Boy and I. We added gender specific terms to some words to make them funny when we use them in conversation. “Manicure” became he-manicure, we specified “man-colors” when talking about nail polish, “male mannequin” became the he-mannequin.

The He-Man Bitch Shield & The Fragility of the Women Ego

We’re all familiar with the bitch shield concept, right? If not, real quick review… Mystery is quoted as saying a single girl gets hit on 7500 times between the ages of 18 and 24, let alone for the rest of her life. Because she cannot possibly attend to every male that wants her, she needs to protect herself and her time from all of these needy guys. She builds a shield to ward off as many of these approaches, as quickly as she can.

I was pretty shocked when I figured out that I’ve developed a full blown he-man bitch shield. Could I really have developed a shield to ward off females? Is that even what it’s about?

I’m a high value guy at school and as such, girls are constantly testing my frame. This happens, on average, about 25 times a day. Multiply that by 5 days a week, 4 weeks a month and we’re talking 500 digs, shit tests and bad behavior from girls. Minimum. And I’ve been there for 6 months. 3000 shit tests. [7 months in all, 3500 experiences at least. That's a lot in such a little time. A LOT.]

Back to the man shield. I’ve developed a lower tolerance for and opinion of, bullshit. I don’t have time for it, [You're the jerk for acting this way, not me.", "I am unaffected by it. It doesn't matter." and finally to "This girl likes me enough to tease me."]. In certain situations, even when I’ve been completely respectful of others whilst refusing to put up with their shit, I have still come out the asshole. [I've learned to be okay with this. It wasn't like that at first, until I figured out what was going on.]

As a result I have retreated, I have become less social. Being less social has started to affect my day to day state. I am miserable at school. I can’t wait to graduate and get away from these people. I feel that most of these people are lower value than me and I legitimately do not want them in my life. There are a few people I will still hang with at school, however these people have high value as well.

[Wow… I am usually much happier than those thoughts. What the hell happened to me?]

[I developed a defense mechanism, a "reason", designed to protect my ego. My "reason" was I wanted to focus more on bringing my grades up. I brought it up from a 95 to a 96, I was miserable and the whole effort seemed wasted when I got my final grade.]

Even though I want to focus more on bringing my grades up, I still need to find time to be social. Otherwise I feel depressed [Not chronic or clinical depression].

I decided to figure it out. I started looking for answers. Eventually I stumbled across an article about the fragility of the male ego. I learned that it can be easily bruised by single ladies, that the bruise can spoil the entire piece of fruit. When that happens, we as men, will either retreat, subdued by a woman (or in my case, many), or assert our power over her. When the former happens, we box our emotions away so they cannot be hurt. When the latter happens, we can act like jerks (like I did) or become forceful with women online. We do this to push away the source of the bruise. Another defense mechanism.

I got more social again. I felt somewhat better.

But something else happened too. I changed the way I interpreted the meaning of each dig to something positive. They used to leave me questioning wether the girl actually liked me or not. They now mean “This girl likes me enough to tease me.”. The final defense mechanism. The one that leads to freedom.

The Fragility of the Male Ego

We are the protectors. We need to feel powerful. When we lose our sense of power, we lose ourselves. In that vein, we as men are constantly trying to protect our ego. Little things can set us off. When she doesn’t answer us or we figure out that she gave us a fake number. When she used you for that drink. When she strung you along until she met someone else. When she cried until you gave in. When she hit you. When she criticized you in public. When she didn’t tell you she was taken because she was enjoying your attention. When she withheld sex from you. When she said “If you really loved me you’d…”, a test you didn’t want to fail. When she flirted with and left with that other guy at the bar.

There isn’t a guy in this community whom one of those things hasn’t happened to. And every time one of those things affected us and triggered a defense mechanism. We retreated or asserted.

The key to getting through all of these ego attacks was to do neither. To be “The Ghost” as Mystery wrote in The Venusian Arts Handbook. To remain unaffected. The key to that was having the realization that you don’t have be affected by everything and then remembering it in those situations.

I want to talk about an important quality in Hamilton women that we should be looking for in long term relationships for a second. A woman needs to know how to handle your ego. If she’s an encourager, she is capable of handling your ego with care. If she’s a nagger, she is not capable of handling your ego and you’ll retreat or assert. This can and will fluctuate throughout relationships. If it’s happening, fix it.

Developing this shield was a crucial part of my development. It confirmed to me that my own negative emotions mean there is something wrong, something making me unhappy. It inspired me to understand my own ego. It helped me realize a quality I want in my next girlfriend.

Find a woman will praise you, who will nurture your male energy, and keep her around.

And to all the girls who beat the ever-living-fuck out of my ego.. Thank you.

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